The Astrophysics of Earthly Relationships

You know what I want? I want those nebulous, undefined, unpossessive, healthy, relationships that are deep and meaningful and transcend conventional definitions. I cannot get enough of them. Yet modern media often can’t handle womxn and mxn having those types of relationships.

So listen up, modern media: letting people of different genders be besties without anything romantic or sexual being forced onto the relationship? It’s the quiet shine of a star illuminating my night, it’s the explosive supernova of deep space, it's the cosmic stardust in my bones — and I love it.

Some examples of these nebulous relationships that delight my little star-stuff heart?

• Asta Twelvetrees and Harry in Resident Alien. Their deep friendship has never once dipped its toe into romantic or sexual waters, and that honestly means so much to me. To be given the gift of that type of relationship-representation on the screen is wonderful. Their friendship is incredibly meaningful in both of their lives, and that's allowed and shown to us. Seeing that with a womxn and mxn character is rare in a lot of media.

• Murderbot and Mensa in The Murderbot Diaries series by Martha Wells. This is a core relationship in both character’s lives, and it fits no readily available definition. I’m here for it. 

• Murderbot and ART in The Murderbot Diaries series by Martha Wells. Just a whole boatload of unconventional WTF fun and I’m all about it.

• The Thin Man by Dashiell Hammett - where every character in the book is low-key (and sometimes high-key) flirting with every other character in the book regardless of gender, and it's no big deal.

I like the ability to exist happily in that nebulous space - without a need to fit into a predefined set of rules. I like relationships that are simply allowed to exist for whatever they are, with room to change, grow, and evolve.

I don't want my relationships to be stuck in a set orbit that I have no control over - a moon to someone else’s sun. I don't want my relationships to be a black hole: a force that takes no resistance, devouring everything that comes near it.

I want my relationships to be nebulous - a place undefined by shape, designed for growth and evolution. I want them to be full of stars and the makings of the cosmos. I want them to be anything they want to be. I want them to be a gravity wave that can change what my idea of a relationship even is. I want them to be starting points with the potential paths before them limitless — their home the velvety dark matter of space and energy and void that doesn't need to be filled.

I like the unpossessive type of love, which there is a great portrayal of in The Murderbot Diaries, where a person's love for another does not demand exclusiveness and the sole possession of that love. I relish relationships where all parties are loved to a degree in which their growth and evolution and need for others is nurtured and accepted across time and space. I want relationships that say, “I love you, and I want you to love anyone you can. Love is not a predictable and measured gravitational calculation. It deserves better than to only exist within the constraints of a limited air supply. I love you, so I want you to grow in whatever way best suits you, not in a controlled fall determined by my own atmosphere and gravity. I love you and I want you to be happy and healthy, and that means a love without limitations on who you can bring into the rays of your sunlight”. 

For me, a lot of this perspective comes from my own evolving identities. One of the most stressful parts of inviting people in, has been folx’s reactions to learning that I'm aromantic (I also hate defining things for what they are not, like “aromantic”. It's like saying queer folx are astraight. Or left handed people are arighthanded. It's dumb and I hate it. But our language has not evolved yet to better terminology... Anyway). By and large, people seem to be interpreting aromanticism as “I just want to fuck around and don’t care about people’s feelings or want a relationship”. And that response has been hurtful, as that is not at all what being aromantic is to me. I care deeply about the people in my life. I especially value my friends — more so than many of the romantic/sexual relationships I've been in. A friendship ending is something that wounds me deeply, a meteor blazing onto my planet, staying with me for years — those ripples in my own personal space-time continuum stretching out across a lifetime. 

For me — the traditional “romantic” relationship is a very nuanced thing and not something I want. In straight-presenting romantic relationships, be it representation in media, the relationships of those around me, or relationships I've been in in the past, I rarely come across one where I'm not troubled by harmful gender dynamics or expectations.

As our culture evolves, I hope we gravitate towards relationships that are not possessive, that are healthy, that allow ample room for growth and evolution. I hope we are charting the stars on a course that lands us somewhere better. I hope we decide to explore a new place for our relationships to call home — a place with a more flexible gravity, where our relationships can become their own unique entities.